Women - The Battle of the Sexes
The eternal struggle between men and their clearly superior mates - right Honey?
Winter Olympics, NASCAR, and Red Wings: the Perfect Valentine's Day
This weekend my wife and I are enjoying a Perfect Storm of Really Cool Stuff.
On Friday the 2010 Winter Olympics* kicked off in Vancouver, British Columbia. There was a terrific Opening Ceremony highlighted by some teams marching in with hundreds of happy skiers and skaters waving at the crowd, while other teams were made up of a single athlete carrying a flag and followed by fifteen old bald government guys.
To See, Or Not To See; The American Man's Field Guide to Looking, Leering And Ogling
Last week I mentioned that men can't help looking at women, especially when a little bit of cleavage is involved. I admit that this is about as startling as saying that the sun rises in the East or that Glenn Beck is daisy-plucking, talking to imaginary hummingbirds crazy. Still, it had to be said.
Now we are going to explore ways for men to follow their natural instinct to peek without getting pepper sprayed.
To start with, try to understand that to some extent this is all mostly a matter of being polite. A woman, unlike a man, generally has a pretty good idea what she is wearing and what it looks like. And unless she was raised by wolves (female ones), you can be fairly sure that she knows about guys and cleavage.
About Cleavage
OK, this is going to come as a shock to a lot of you. It is not the kind of thing I ordinarily discuss here. In fact the only reason I'm doing it at all is that, now that President Obama has everything in the world pretty much under control and Sarah Palin is leaving the public eye to spend more time with her family, there is not really all that much for us to talk about. So here goes:
Men look at women! They do it a lot!
I know, right?
And the thing is, when we do it, we are apparently just responding to our genetic programming. In hundreds (probably) of psycho-neurological studies (why not?), it has been proven (I'll bet) that a man's response to visual sexual stimuli is almost completely involuntary (yeah, that's the ticket).
What this boils down to, in layman's terms, is that guys just can't help looking at girls. Especially when it comes to gazing at the naughty bits.
How To Talk To Chicks
This morning before breakfast my wife lobbed a verbal grenade into my coffee cup. She asked, "What do you think of my friend, Brunhilde?"
(Please note, my wife doesn't actually have a friend named "Brunhilde." This is a sophisticated literary device, known in the trade as "Making Stuff Up.)
Now to a newlywed or a male Cro-Magnon, this Brunhilde question may seem like a perfectly normal conversation starter. To a man who has been married for almost thirty-three years, however, the peril is clear; there is no possible answer you can give that can't explode on you.
The Gospel of Guy Food
Last weekend was my wife's birthday, so I wanted to surprise her and make dinner. I thought long and hard about it, and I prepared the perfect menu for the occasion:
• Steak
• Beer
• Cake
Then I had second thoughts. My wife is, after all, a nurse, and she is very much in tune with issues like nutrition and a balanced diet. I revised my menu to include all the essential food groups:
• Steak
• Beer
• Cake
• Hot Sauce
